sick of everything.

sick of everything.

sick of being me. 

sick of being the lapdog. noone giving a shit. me running round after everyone else but no fucker putting ANY effort into me. 

my family moan that i dont call them or go see them, but do they make the effort with me? NO!

my friends.. well... i wouldnt have ANY fucking friends if i didnt contact them.
if i go weeks without messaging anyone... no fucker makes the effort to contact me. no one wants to make plans with me. 

not even my fucking fiance. shes the same. 

everyone... my whole like. 

everyone gets annoyed with me.. i dont know why i just annoy everyone. 

cant take it anymore. its been the same with everyone i have ever met since i can remember. if i disappeared into oblivion noone would come look for me... and i mean that. NOONE. 

my fiance said if we split up she might be a little upset but she could easily live her life without me. THANKS!
UGH!
NO FUCKER GIVES TWO FUCKS ABOUT ME SO WHY DO I MAKE ALL THE EFFORT?

because i HAVE to be loved. i have to feel wanted. i NEED to be wanted. but i never am. EVER. 

im sick of being me. 

sick of being fat. 

sick of my fucking hair. 

sick of my fucking pale blotchy skin. 

sick of my scars. 

sick of work. 

sick of make believing that people actually give a shit about me. 

sick of it ALL!

im going bed. 

ugh. 

and no. this isnt me wanting you to say "oh but you ARE special and you ARE beautiful. trust me IM NOT. and im not over exagerating. if you knew me in real life, you would know im not. no one gives two fucks, and noone ever has. 

im ranting. feel free to ignore this. because likely, i wont belive you when you tell me im this and im that. because its lies. if noone in my real life believes anything good about me, or makes an effort, then why should i believe people online.
Sorry but thats the facts. 

had enough of shit. ]and no, i wont do anything stupid. 

1. my knives are in the bedroom where my fucking fiance is. 

and 2. i would NEVER kill myself. obviously too chicken shit for that. 

ill just go being misserable forever. 

and it wont get better. 

it hasnt for the past 22 fucking years of my life, so how can it change. unless i get a bloody personality transplant. 

UGH. 

rant. over.