Troubled and Terrific. My OWN Story.

Prologue.

Lily bolted upright with a gasp. It sent her sweat-dampened hair flying, as she brought her panicked breathing back under control. She wiped her tear-streaked face with trembling hands, and rubbed at the goose-bumps covering her tiny body as she scanned her room. Finding nothing out of place, she sighed in relief, and snuggled back beneath the warm covers.

It was only a dream. It was only a dream. Damn, I just want to fucking sleep, she thought to herself as she closed her eyes and tried to relax again.

The night wore on as Lily tossed and turned, messing up her sheets, and kicking around her duvet. Finally, unable to sleep and thoroughly fed up, she sat up once more, and glanced at the alarm clock next to her bedside.

Fuck. 4:58 am. Another night of no sleep.

Rolling her eyes at herself in disgust, she rose and padded across the cold floor and grabbed her old, faded, grey hoodie. Slipping it on, and re-adjusting her pyjama shorts, she made her way silently down the stairs, careful to miss the creaky spots and dragged herself into the kitchen.

God I’m so fucking tired. And hungry.

From sheer force of habit, she opened the fridge, and seeing nothing she wanted, she poured herself and glass of water from the sink, and slid slowly into the seat at the breakfast bar. Glancing to the calendar hanging on the wall nearby, and noticed that the day was Thursday. October 23^rd 2014. It was the end of October already?

Wow, Lily mused to herself as she sipped her water. Todays going to be just like yesterday. I have no friends, no college life, no job...what do I care if it’s the end of the month?

She had left it all behind her. Now, she lived alone, and stayed alone. And that was just how she wanted it to stay. Just Her. Alone. Forever.

Its on! Like Donkey Kong!

So, im obsessed with Just Dance. SUCH a fun workout!
Past 3 days have gone well i would say...
Ive eaten low, purged a few times... and had laxatives every night.
IVE LOST! YEY!
:D
Just feeling happy.. you know?
Wanted to share :)
Hope everybody is well!

Sorry for the delay...

As i said i was on holiday for a couple weeks.. and had my birthday.
MY hasn't it been stressful.
a fortnight of binges and purging. fun.
and stress from the family.

SO glad to be home now. back in my own routine. no one to fight against, as my fiance is understanding.
:)
Ill update more tomorrow... now i have to go to bed!
I have a hospital appointment tomorrow so..... wish me luck!

Ill... Holiday.... AGH!

Ive been ill for two days, feverish; some kind of bug.
And im going away in 2 days,
part of me think its a blessing because being ill means i can get away with not eating etc arouund the family while im with them...
But part of me hates it, because i dont want to be bedridden and ill on holiday... i want to enjoy it.
Blah, blah, blah!

sick of everything.

sick of everything.

sick of being me. 

sick of being the lapdog. noone giving a shit. me running round after everyone else but no fucker putting ANY effort into me. 

my family moan that i dont call them or go see them, but do they make the effort with me? NO!

my friends.. well... i wouldnt have ANY fucking friends if i didnt contact them.
if i go weeks without messaging anyone... no fucker makes the effort to contact me. no one wants to make plans with me. 

not even my fucking fiance. shes the same. 

everyone... my whole like. 

everyone gets annoyed with me.. i dont know why i just annoy everyone. 

cant take it anymore. its been the same with everyone i have ever met since i can remember. if i disappeared into oblivion noone would come look for me... and i mean that. NOONE. 

my fiance said if we split up she might be a little upset but she could easily live her life without me. THANKS!
UGH!
NO FUCKER GIVES TWO FUCKS ABOUT ME SO WHY DO I MAKE ALL THE EFFORT?

because i HAVE to be loved. i have to feel wanted. i NEED to be wanted. but i never am. EVER. 

im sick of being me. 

sick of being fat. 

sick of my fucking hair. 

sick of my fucking pale blotchy skin. 

sick of my scars. 

sick of work. 

sick of make believing that people actually give a shit about me. 

sick of it ALL!

im going bed. 

ugh. 

and no. this isnt me wanting you to say "oh but you ARE special and you ARE beautiful. trust me IM NOT. and im not over exagerating. if you knew me in real life, you would know im not. no one gives two fucks, and noone ever has. 

im ranting. feel free to ignore this. because likely, i wont belive you when you tell me im this and im that. because its lies. if noone in my real life believes anything good about me, or makes an effort, then why should i believe people online.
Sorry but thats the facts. 

had enough of shit. ]and no, i wont do anything stupid. 

1. my knives are in the bedroom where my fucking fiance is. 

and 2. i would NEVER kill myself. obviously too chicken shit for that. 

ill just go being misserable forever. 

and it wont get better. 

it hasnt for the past 22 fucking years of my life, so how can it change. unless i get a bloody personality transplant. 

UGH. 

rant. over.

Had a HORRIBLE day :(

Had to go to the hospital for the appointment about my knee that ive been waiting for for 3 months...
Saw a physiotherapist, then had an xray, then got told it pretty certain i have to have an operation on my knee....
Oh... And it only has a 50/50 chance of working.. if it does GREAT! and if it doesnt, my knee will be a hell of a lot worse.. YEY!

:(
And... i binged. like.. BINGED!
More than 2000cal BINGE!
And no purging. no laxatives.
So, thats gonna be fun on the scales.
In check tomorrow...
Just want to cry :(

Binge Binge bloody BINGE!

Was so hungry today...
Had 1200kcals today... spread over the day.
I could seriously smack myself :(
I think it was because i had like NO sleep last night....
But its just.. SICK!
And i dont have ANY energy to exercise either :(
I had a 6hour shift in work though, so i guess i burnt like half off....
just... AHH!