Troubled and Terrific. My OWN Story.

Prologue.

Lily bolted upright with a gasp. It sent her sweat-dampened hair flying, as she brought her panicked breathing back under control. She wiped her tear-streaked face with trembling hands, and rubbed at the goose-bumps covering her tiny body as she scanned her room. Finding nothing out of place, she sighed in relief, and snuggled back beneath the warm covers.

It was only a dream. It was only a dream. Damn, I just want to fucking sleep, she thought to herself as she closed her eyes and tried to relax again.

The night wore on as Lily tossed and turned, messing up her sheets, and kicking around her duvet. Finally, unable to sleep and thoroughly fed up, she sat up once more, and glanced at the alarm clock next to her bedside.

Fuck. 4:58 am. Another night of no sleep.

Rolling her eyes at herself in disgust, she rose and padded across the cold floor and grabbed her old, faded, grey hoodie. Slipping it on, and re-adjusting her pyjama shorts, she made her way silently down the stairs, careful to miss the creaky spots and dragged herself into the kitchen.

God I’m so fucking tired. And hungry.

From sheer force of habit, she opened the fridge, and seeing nothing she wanted, she poured herself and glass of water from the sink, and slid slowly into the seat at the breakfast bar. Glancing to the calendar hanging on the wall nearby, and noticed that the day was Thursday. October 23^rd 2014. It was the end of October already?

Wow, Lily mused to herself as she sipped her water. Todays going to be just like yesterday. I have no friends, no college life, no job...what do I care if it’s the end of the month?

She had left it all behind her. Now, she lived alone, and stayed alone. And that was just how she wanted it to stay. Just Her. Alone. Forever.

Its on! Like Donkey Kong!

So, im obsessed with Just Dance. SUCH a fun workout!
Past 3 days have gone well i would say...
Ive eaten low, purged a few times... and had laxatives every night.
IVE LOST! YEY!
:D
Just feeling happy.. you know?
Wanted to share :)
Hope everybody is well!

Sorry for the delay...

As i said i was on holiday for a couple weeks.. and had my birthday.
MY hasn't it been stressful.
a fortnight of binges and purging. fun.
and stress from the family.

SO glad to be home now. back in my own routine. no one to fight against, as my fiance is understanding.
:)
Ill update more tomorrow... now i have to go to bed!
I have a hospital appointment tomorrow so..... wish me luck!

Ill... Holiday.... AGH!

Ive been ill for two days, feverish; some kind of bug.
And im going away in 2 days,
part of me think its a blessing because being ill means i can get away with not eating etc arouund the family while im with them...
But part of me hates it, because i dont want to be bedridden and ill on holiday... i want to enjoy it.
Blah, blah, blah!

sick of everything.

sick of everything.

sick of being me. 

sick of being the lapdog. noone giving a shit. me running round after everyone else but no fucker putting ANY effort into me. 

my family moan that i dont call them or go see them, but do they make the effort with me? NO!

my friends.. well... i wouldnt have ANY fucking friends if i didnt contact them.
if i go weeks without messaging anyone... no fucker makes the effort to contact me. no one wants to make plans with me. 

not even my fucking fiance. shes the same. 

everyone... my whole like. 

everyone gets annoyed with me.. i dont know why i just annoy everyone. 

cant take it anymore. its been the same with everyone i have ever met since i can remember. if i disappeared into oblivion noone would come look for me... and i mean that. NOONE. 

my fiance said if we split up she might be a little upset but she could easily live her life without me. THANKS!
UGH!
NO FUCKER GIVES TWO FUCKS ABOUT ME SO WHY DO I MAKE ALL THE EFFORT?

because i HAVE to be loved. i have to feel wanted. i NEED to be wanted. but i never am. EVER. 

im sick of being me. 

sick of being fat. 

sick of my fucking hair. 

sick of my fucking pale blotchy skin. 

sick of my scars. 

sick of work. 

sick of make believing that people actually give a shit about me. 

sick of it ALL!

im going bed. 

ugh. 

and no. this isnt me wanting you to say "oh but you ARE special and you ARE beautiful. trust me IM NOT. and im not over exagerating. if you knew me in real life, you would know im not. no one gives two fucks, and noone ever has. 

im ranting. feel free to ignore this. because likely, i wont belive you when you tell me im this and im that. because its lies. if noone in my real life believes anything good about me, or makes an effort, then why should i believe people online.
Sorry but thats the facts. 

had enough of shit. ]and no, i wont do anything stupid. 

1. my knives are in the bedroom where my fucking fiance is. 

and 2. i would NEVER kill myself. obviously too chicken shit for that. 

ill just go being misserable forever. 

and it wont get better. 

it hasnt for the past 22 fucking years of my life, so how can it change. unless i get a bloody personality transplant. 

UGH. 

rant. over.

Had a HORRIBLE day :(

Had to go to the hospital for the appointment about my knee that ive been waiting for for 3 months...
Saw a physiotherapist, then had an xray, then got told it pretty certain i have to have an operation on my knee....
Oh... And it only has a 50/50 chance of working.. if it does GREAT! and if it doesnt, my knee will be a hell of a lot worse.. YEY!

:(
And... i binged. like.. BINGED!
More than 2000cal BINGE!
And no purging. no laxatives.
So, thats gonna be fun on the scales.
In check tomorrow...
Just want to cry :(

Binge Binge bloody BINGE!

Was so hungry today...
Had 1200kcals today... spread over the day.
I could seriously smack myself :(
I think it was because i had like NO sleep last night....
But its just.. SICK!
And i dont have ANY energy to exercise either :(
I had a 6hour shift in work though, so i guess i burnt like half off....
just... AHH!

Quitting and starting....

So, im quitting smoking.
EEP!
Big step! But, i wany yo AND need to.
I need to be healthy to up my exercise and be fit. My lungs are killing me, ugh.
Also, it will save money...
Im going to put all the money i usually spend in a month on baccy into a little pot, and save up for something nice :)
Also, im starting running... Well walking... HA!
I need to get fitter, and with quitting smoking ill be able to start running.
Starting off my walking, then i will gradually up it until im running.
:D

OH! And my fiance bought me my own laptop for my birthday (not until march 12 but..) YEY!!
MY OWN LAPTOP!
So happy :)

New Plan... lets see how long this lasts.

So, i weighed myself this morning.. down 0.5lb since yesterday :)
Im going to be weighing myself twice a week in future, instead of everyday.
Lets see how this plans out,
im a scale addict haha.
but i know when i do that and see the weight more clearly come off, instead of stressin out when i see it go up 0.1lb in a day, you know?
So, weigh in days from next week are Monday and Thursday.
:)
Still feeling ill, not complaining though, means i cant eat.
Sick aren't i...
We meant to be going to that buffet tomorrow, and if im still ill.. i can get away with just having a bowl of soup and some salad.
Fucking Score.

Got to spend today waiting on the gas/electric people to come over, between 12-8. No doubt they will come at 7.55. fuckers.

Enjoy your day wherever you are, lovely followers. .
I know im going to have TONNES of fun today.

Death warmed up.....

Dunno whats up with me..... 

I woke up this morning shaking uncontrollably. 

i was freezing, but sweating. i had a wild stomach pain. a wild headache. and my heart beating so fast, its beyond normal.

So, i was due t ogo to work so dragged myself to the kitchen, sat at the breakfast bar with my head down for like 10 minutes before making some toast, when it was cooked i put chocolate spread on it.
I thought maybe my blood sugar was low, its happened before when im all shaky,,,, but i dont normally have the rest of the side effects....
Its just made me feel even more ill.
Had to phone in sick to work because if i even tried to make the 30 mins walk to work, and an 8 hour shift i would have probs passed out.
Gutted i phoned in, because there goes my chance of burning all the cals i do at work.

Now im laid on the sofa, still feelin like absolut hell, and kinda worried bout myself... just the fact my heart is STILL beating super super super fast.... almost 5 hours later...... 

Stressingggg

We don't have money till thursday, so valentines day is then for us.
BUT she wants to go to the chinese buffet, and i want her to have a nice day so...
WHAT do i do?
Planning on having a plate of salad.. then just one plate of buffet...
and try purge?
I dont know.. its my only meal for the day so..
How possible is it to go over 800 at a chinese buffet?
If i can work it all out before hand i will be okay, 

actually i will.
I will look up the calories in chinese food, as i dont eat it i dont know it...
and work out how much of what i can have...
yes.
GAH. stress.
I suppose, its one day, and ive been having 500 lately so... It will give my metabolism a boost if i eat 800...
and ill work out as much as i can.... just the FAT ugh :/

On another note: good day.
570 cals today, NINE hours at work. so, ive more than worked off my cal intake for the day.
gonna do some cardio for 30 mins, shower, and have an early night for work tomorrow.

Thankyou lovely followers, and thankyou Dainty for your comment <3

Determination is a beautiful thing.

I am SO on this right now, its unreal.
Like, i can eat some to keep people happy, but im not remotely in the "omg i will eat and never stop and binge FML" mid set.
So, today:
a breakfast bar with oats: 88kcal.
like, third of a chicken burger (to keep my fiance happy): 100kcal.
1 cup Pasta with the TINIEST amount of sauce...280kcal.
So thats; 468kcal.
Oh, and i purged the pasta. So, ya know.
Also, i burnt like 750kcal in work :)
so all in all- somethin like -250netkcal.
Which, is awesome.

I printed a pic of me at my ALMOST lowest weight, and am going to put it in my bag, then if im ever close to a binge, ill look at it.
because, damn, i have to be there. and back to my lowest.
So, another day over, roll on tomorrow :)

Its a small world..

I was scrolling through a photo album on PT, a site i have been a member on since may09.
Anyway, im scrolling through and then BAM! Is a picture of someone i know.
Someone i breifly dated.
Someone i have lost touch with.
I was freaking out!!
So, i plucked up the courage to message her on facebook.

So, i messaged her then told her i saw her on pt....
And i was worried for her reaction, but she was okay.
She was happy. Happy she could finally talk to someone who understand and wont judge.
Happy we got instantly close again.

We talked for a while, about our ed's. About life.
It was just, so nice. So easy.
We have vowed to text a lot now. Keep each other motivated.
That may sound bad but, it what we both wants... And need.

:)

Im down 1lb again today.
I want to lose 50lb in 5 months. I think that is acheivable.
Then i will be perfection.
:)

Tiny bit of Thinspiration? Okay. :)

Another day at the office...

Work work work...
That is all i do.
I am NOT complaining too much though, it keeps me busy, burns the calories. Simples.
Just hate that i work around food... Ugh.
Anyway im 1lb down from yesterday... that makes 5lb since tuesday.
That's a very good week all in all...
I want to lose another 11lb AT LEAST by 1st march...
Then i have two weeks away with my family and fiance.
Well, that shall be fun.
I already see arguments happening.
And i need to work out my plan for the fortnight... i havent spent more than 3 days with my family for several months...
I can sense a lot of purging, and possibly laxatives.
I just gotta keep positive.
It will be fine.
As long as i don't gain that fortnight, all will be okay.
I hope.....
Anyway.. Thinspo to start the day.
Goodbye xo

Oh, blogger. Haii.

So, new blog?!
Okay, i need somewhere to reside for a while, and collect my thoughts on everything.
Things are bad right now, or... in my head good.
Not eating much at all lately, and anything i have stuffed down my throat, i have either purged or lax-ed out of my body.
And super sneaky behavior is on the up-rise, hey hoe.
At least im losing weight, main thing, right?